Thoughts on Marrying Young
February 19, 2006
Many people assume from my relative maturity level and the engagement ring on my finger that I’m in my mid to late twenties. When I tell them I’m 22, some people are a little shocked. I’ve been told by family members and strangers alike that I’m awfully young to be getting married.
Guess what? I know. I know that at 22, I still have many things to figure out. I know that people who marry right out of college are likely to get divorced. And I know that being from a divorced family myself greatly increases the odds that my marriage won’t work out. But I’m getting married anyway - for a lot of reasons.
The qualities that I value in Andy aren’t the kind that will fade with time. My favorite thing about him is that he’s a good communicator. Sure we’re attracted to one another, but the friendship, support, kindness, and compassion that we share - even from 3,000 miles away - is much more important to both of us. Perhaps most importantly of all, I trust him because he’s simply the most honest, decent person I’ve ever met and the best friend I’ve ever had.
I was reading a piece in Elle last night about Ayelet Waldman, the woman who famously wrote in The New York Times that she loved her husband more than she loved their four children. When I grow up, I want to be just like her. I want to have that passionate marriage that she shares with her husband - novelist Michael Chabon. I want to have that partnership, that gender-neutrality, and that sense of fun that pervades their lives - even as they work hard and chauffeur their kids hither and yon.
I can see myself having that kind of marriage with Andy. That’s why I will make the biggest promise of my life while I still have more zits than wrinkles and more hopes and guesses than experiences and disappointments.
After all, I want to share the latter with the best friend I’ve ever had.
Hey Teresa, my names Hannah and I’m from the UK.
The reason I read your blog was because I wanted to find out what others thought about getting married young. I’ve been with my guy- (another Andy actually!) for nearly 2 years, I’m 19 and hes 30. We’ve been looking at engagement rings so he may ask me somewhen soon! Which I’m really happy about! Just been for lunch with a friend and hes concerned that I’m going to get married too young- thats why I ended up looking at your blog. And its made me realise why I’m going ahead with it- I don’t need other people saying its wrong if you know it feels so right. I also come from a divorced family and my mum has always said “don’t get married and don’t have children!” But I have to make my own mistakes right?! Anyway, I hope you are very happy.
Hannah x
Hannah: Thanks for stopping by. I agree that you and your Andy are the only people who can decide whether or not getting married is the right thing for you. The only thing I would caution you about is the age difference between yourself and your Andy. 11 years isn’t much when people are in their 40’s and 50’s, but I can tell you just from personal experience that there’s a big difference between even 19 and 23 (how old I am now).
I know you didn’t ask for my advice, and I’m not saying not to marry him. It sounds like the two of you love each other and like you’re taking it slow. When I was in my teens, I was dating guys in their 20’s and 30’s, too. Just make sure that you have a frank discussion (or ten) with him about the age difference and what it will mean for your marriage. I’m guessing that you’re pretty mature for 19 to be considering such a serious commitment. So talking openly with him about this stuff shouldn’t be hard.
IMHO, some good issues to bring up would be:
Honesty and good communication are the two most important tools any couple can have at their disposal. My Andy is a world champion at these things, and he’s taught me well. If you both go forward with your eyes wide open and your communication with one another open and honest, then you’ll do fine. I wish you and your Andy all the love and happiness in the world.
Hannah, I am curious as to what your education and occupational status and goals are, as well as those of your soon-to-be fiancé.
Teresa and Andy, I think you provide some great points to consider especially since those are things that frustrated me a lot in my relationship with Jeremy. Hannah, I second their advice.
It has been two years since some of the comments were posted. I would like to know what has happened to the two people involved in this article. i am a 57 year old married female. I would not even consider getting married at 22 to anybody. I think it would be much better to live together for a few years and see how things go. At 22 I was clueless and didn’t know it but thought the way I felt at one time was the way I would feel forever. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Who I liked and loved and why changed with every passing month. I will forever be grateful that I waited until I was 32 to marry, I personally couldn’t have made it with anyone before that age. Just my opinion.
Grabec: We broke up because, surprise surprise, we were too young. :-P. Still great friends and blogging together, though.
Wait, wait - Teresa, you and Andy broke up? Did I miss something?
Patrick: We broke up several months ago, but we haven’t officially announced that here. We’re waiting on a blog redesign to discuss the changes we’ll be making. Don’t worry, though. He’s not going away. He’s still my best friend in the whole world.
Grabec: Surprise, surprise, not everyone is like you. I don’t understand people having no faith in young marriages. People who get married later on in life divorce too. One’s personality is developed by the time they reach puberty (Learned that in psychology class). Why do you think a person’s childhood is so important when it comes to who they become? However, when you’re in your 20’s, your ideas, and views of the world are changing. BUT they ALWAYS are changing. Love is unconditional. You don’t love someone because of this or that, you love them just because you do. And if you truly have that unconditional love with someone, even if you’re young, you’ll be together till death do you part.