Some Guys Just Can’t Take The Hint, Don’t Know When to Sod Off
March 29, 2007
As a reasonably attractive member of the female sex, I sometimes get hit on by straight men. That in and of itself isn’t a problem. It’s flattering to know that someone thinks you’re hot stuff. But there’s a thin, sometimes inarticulable line between what is appropriate and what is not. And lately, I seem to be getting a lot of the inappropriate kind of attention.
Specifically, it feels like the men that find me attractive think that I owe them something simply because they find me attractive. I can drop all the hints in the world that I’m busy or disinterested, and they keep pushing. Eventually, I have to be downright rude. And then I inevitably get treated as though I’m some kind of stuck up bitch for exercising my right to be left alone.
I don’t want to be cold or unapproachable. It’s sometimes fun to have a light, flirty conversation with a stranger while I’m waiting for my morning latté. But other times, I really just want to read my Wall Street Journal in peace. It’s nothing personal, guys. Really. In fact, there are mornings when Johnny Depp himself couldn’t tear me away from the editorials page.
What’s worse is when a guy is so socially awkward or inept that he can’t pick up on the signals I’m sending. When a guy makes me uncomfortable, I’m not shy about shutting him down with my body language and tone of voice. But sometimes, it can be like talking to a Martian.
And the worse of all? When the aforementioned socially inept types put me on the spot and then turn into raving assholes when I shut them down verbally. What do they expect? Guys, if you don’t take the time to understand how women signal that they want you to back off, you’re going to spend the rest of your life getting drinks thrown in your face.
I don’t mean to make generalizations about all men. The vast majority of male creatures I’ve come across have been interesting to talk to and had a good sense of personal boundaries. But there are a few creeps out there that really get to me, and recently they’ve all been crawling out of the woodwork simultaneously. :shudder:
What do you ladies think? Have you had similar experiences?
And what about my male readers? I’m really interested to hear your insights into the less-than-savvy members of your gender.
Fine, I get it. I’ll spot calling 30 times a day. Sheez
I think your reading the Wall Street Journal would be indication enough for me! I hope that’s not the only daily you get your editorials from!
Daniel: I generally read other editorials, but I love reading the Journal because I disagree with the bulk of what they’re saying. I get my best ideas when I’m listening to arch conservatives with one ear and arch liberals with the other.
I get the hints. The turning away slightly, the focused behavious (paper reading), the sudden interest in anything except me. I don’t need extra hints! I dish out the hints too! I specialize in slightly disagreeable responses to inane conversations starters.
HER: Nice weather finally!
ME: Sure, if you like that sort of thing.
or
HER: That’s that new Toyota FJ you’re driving, isn’t it? ! I was going to get one of those!
ME: I’m glad you didn’t.
or
HER: Is this seat taken?
ME: I have VD.
It’s a social skill everyone should work on. Learn to take a hint!
Let’s see…
Well, if you’re looking to understand why some guys may not take the hint -
I suppose there’s lots of different reasons. First, there are the obvious ones:
1. You *are* actually quite beautiful, if I may say so, and for some guys, the bigger the target, the harder they push - it’s an ego thing. There’s a reason guys tell each other that the more often you try to get girls, the more likely you are to be successful. It’s an odds thing.
2. They really are that socially inept.
3. They are the egotastic type who think that if they push hard enough, you’ll fall for their manly advances (:???: seriously. some guys think this).
4. They think you’re just playing hard to get (related to 3, but not quite the same).
But I’m more interested in the underlying reasons.. I like to get inside people’s heads (got lots of those ‘mirror neurons’ I guess!). And when I look at things from that perspective, I see something that is alot more interesting..
Imagine being at the beach, by yourself, no Andy (sorry Andy!). I hope you can do this: Remove from your thinking the fundamental assumption you have that you’re in a relationship. You need to see from a single person’s perspective.
Imagine, then, being totally free to hit on whomever you want. Imagine seeing a really hot guy there, with well developed pecs, biceps, whatever you find sexually attractive in a man (muscles don’t do it for some women, believe it or not, so imagine whatever works for you). Then imagine wanting to talk to him, more than seems to make sense. Maybe you recently got dumped. Maybe you’ve been rejected more times than you would like and are just trying to convince yourself you can get through to even one guy. Maybe you just like the challenge of making him want you.
Now imagine he won’t give you the time of day. How do you feel? How would you WANT to respond?
Maybe you just have that air of being really approachable. Since I haven’t met you in person, obviously I can’t speak to that, but maybe Andy can. If you have the air of being approachable to other guys and then you tell them to sod off, it can be a bit jarring to their expectations. And as Guinan on Star Trek: TNG said, “There is nothing more cruel one person can do to another than not live up to their expectations.” You probably know that to be true. If you expect something of someone and they don’t deliver.. you probably don’t respond too kindly. Few do. It’s normal.
I am not saying the behavior of these guys is justified - it isn’t. You have every right to ride to work unburdened by every guy who may walk up to you. And you don’t owe them anything.
What I’m getting at is - for one who is reasonably attractive, as you are, you’re just gonna be a target for guys who want to talk to pretty girls, and you’re going to get a variety of responses to the cold shoulder which have absolutely nothing to do with you and that you can’t do anything about no matter HOW nice you are. So don’t feel badly for having to verbally tell them to go away.
P.S. Nothing in this post should be taken personally because I am not intending to insult or diminish anyone’s feelings. I make this disclaimer only because it is a slightly sensitive subject and sometimes words can be taken a way that is not intended. Clarification is available if necessary!
I wanna divide my comment in two parts. I understand that you want a GENERAL opinion on the matter. However, the situation you describe seems PARTICULAR.
If this you’re telling us involves men who have just met you, then you are terribly unlucky, or the HOTTEST woman on Earth. I can’t imagine how a stranger would insist in talking to you after repeated hints.
However, if the man who won’t take the hint is someone you have been in contact with for some time, then many explanations are possible. Something like what Patrick says, yes. I’m with Bradley in saying that taking hints is a social skill. But, shit happens. Have you thought about the horrible combination of a) a man who is socially inept AND b) hints so subtle that the man fails to see them as such?
Suppose you tell someone you’re too busy, for whatever reason. That’s an excuse anyone can believe. The man might have no reason not to believe you. And then your hint is as good as screaming where no one can listen to you. Worse, the man might think that you’ll like his being “kind” and understanding. With hints such as these, you’ll need a hell of a lot of hints, simply because he’ll fail to see them as such. You may find this unbelievable, but it happens. The more passionate the man is about you, the more he’ll be confused, and the more he’ll push, because he’ll want to know what’s going on. Also, some people become so sad at the prospect of losing a person they love that they become blinded. Also, I’m sure it will not be surprised if I say that most men DON’T understand women.
And then, when you blow your top, the man will be confused, surprised, deeply hurt, and that cocktail will make him think you were leading him on, or, at the very least, he’ll “wonder” why you didn’t say things straight in his face. Of course, the girl will wonder how he can come up with such bull—- if she’s been SCREAMING the truth for too long.
The morale, then, is this: when giving hints, give one no man can mistake for something else. If it’s a stranger, for example, just say that you’re waiting for your man; the vast majority of men will not insist beyond that point. I wonder if anyone would have the courage to insist. If it’s someone you know, then tell him to sit with you for a while, and say, in his face, that things are not the way he thinks they are, et cetera. I’m sure everyone will get the point. Would you like to feel you are a pain in the ass for someone you know?
Who taught me all this? A very pretty girl who had figured out how to behave in these cases.
Oops! I had not really reviewed Teresa and Andy’s site, so I didn’t know what T. was talking about. Obviously she talks about strangers trying to pick her up.
I understand why T. is annoyed. However, I need to say that being socially inept is not bad in itself. It’s something you may not have learned at home. Many a dysfunctional home exists nowadays…