Everything a Straight Man Needs To Know About Bleaching His Hair

I dyed my hair on Tuesday to surprise Teresa. I got blonde highlights about a year ago and she loved them, so I figured she’d love it if I went totally blonde. I called this place called Seven to do my hair. They have a DJ spinning and tons of “vibe”. They told me it would cost 100 dollars and take two hours.

This seemed a little steep, so I did a google search on dying hair and found out that it’s really easy to do yourself, costs about five bucks, and only takes thirty minutes.

This really did not seem like a difficult decison: 115 dollars and two hours listening to crappy techno, or 5 bucks and thirty minutes watching Jack Bauer. So I went down to Bartelle’s drugs and asked the girl there which dye to use. She was very helpful, and even though her own hair was suspect, I figured she was a girl, so she knew what she was talking about.

Before dying my hair, I consulted with my friends Evan and Suzanne from college. Neither have dyed their hair, but they both dress pretty good. Plus Evan is in Med School and Suzanne is in Grad School on scholarship. Smart people. They suggested I also shave my mustache and goatee.

I dyed it once, but I missed a few spots, so I consulted with Evan again, and determined that I should run it one more time. After all, I had some extra dye.

When I was done, I took a quick look in the mirror and was pretty sure that I saw a head of gorgeous, movie-star quality golden blonde hair. Then I headed off to the climbing gym to meet up with Teresa. She was going to be SO thrilled.

When I met her, she saw that I had gone and bleached my hair for her. She had a huge smile and kissed me. She said it made her day. She was so impressed that I would be willing to go to so much trouble just for her, and that she thought I was amazing.

Then, she stepped out for a moment, and, in tears, called her stylist and made an appointment for me the next afternoon.

Because, what I didn’t realize is that:
A) I missed pretty much all the spots I couldn;t see in the mirror, leaving dark patches everywhere.
B) I look about 9 years younger without facial hair. And not in a good way.
C) I missed golden blonde and hit bright orange. It only looked golden blonde in soft light.
D) Bright Orange looks GREAT on people with blue undertones in their skin. It does not look good on people with olive skin and chronic 5 o’clock shadows. It makes them look washed out with clown hair.

What I learned is that:
A) Highlights look amazing on me.
B) Proper highlighting should take about two hours. It takes 3 if you try to do it yourself and a stylist has to fix it.
C) Proper highlighting should costs about $100. It costs $200 if you try to do it yourself and a stylist has to fix it.
D) Proper highlighting shouldn’t hurt like a bitch because the stylist only has to do it once. It hurts like a bitch if you do it yourself and then a stylist has to fix it, because apparently every time you dye your hair, it’s like having meat tenderizer poured on your scalp. When the stylist pulls your hair through a rubber skullcap to get the highlights just right, your tenderized scalp feels like it is being tortured with a hot iron.
E) Just because someone has get straight A’s in medical school does not mean they know anything about fashion, beauty or hair. Someone who goes to beauty school probably does, though.
F) There is a difference between bleaching and dying. If you have light hair and you want to go darker, you can get away with doing it at home. If you have dark hair and want to go lighter, go to a salon.
G) If you watch SportsCenter more than twice a week, you have to pay someone to do your hair, and you need a girl with fashion sense to help you with your clothes, face, and hair, for at least a few years until all this business makes sense.

Thank you for being patient, Teresa. And thanks to the people at 13 Boston in Seattle for getting me in on such short notice.