The Real Heterosexual Republican - By George W. Bush

Your attention please. Ladies and gentlement, your attention please.
Will the real heterosexual Republican please stand up?
Umm, we’re gonna have a problem here.

Y’all act like you’ve never seen a homophobe before.
Jaws all on the floor like Elton John and Tom Cruise just walked in the door.
I started persecuting years before the Culture War,
Now the liberal media is trying to even the score.

Karl Rove is down with this, Karl Rove is down with that,
And if I’m lucky Jeff Gannon won’t talk smack.
And that’s the reason that Rove isn’t coming back,
If Gannon outs him I’ll surely get jacked.

Larry Craig is meeting men in the bathroom,
Mark Foley is hitting on interns in a chatroom,
Ted Haggard’s doing meth with his escort in a backroom,
While Richard Curtis wants to do it in costume.

Of course all my cronies are having affairs with men,
And these stories keep coming out again and again,
It turns out Trent Lott also has a special friend,
All this hypocracy is making marriage really hard to defend.

And there’s a million of us just like me, who trangress like me, repress like me,
Lie, cheat, cross-dress like me,
Hate, resent, detest like me,
And just might be the next best thing, but not quite me.

Because I’m George W, I think gays are vile,
And all the other homophobes are just in denial.
So won’t the true marriage defender please stand up,
And make sure civil rights are completely shredded up.
And be proud to be in the closet and out of control,
And when you’re straight like me, just yell it, loud as you can, let everyone know.