Do Men Want Women to Play Dumb? Not in My Experience.
December 30, 2007
In her latest article, Guardian writer Tanya Gold wrote:
Like every single woman, I walk through life asking: what do men want? Why are my beautiful, clever female friends living alone, watching DVDs and eating cupcakes, like a gaggle of rancid Bridget Joneses? Why does the loneliness never end (© Charlotte Bronte 1855)? A month ago, as moonlight splashed across my pillow, I devised an experiment to find the definitive answer. I decided to attend a speed-dating night as a fabulously successful, dazzlingly literate human rights lawyer, and then another as a gibbering idiot who works as a florist. Who would the men fall for?
This sounded suspiciously like Miranda’s experience on Sex and the City when she had a lot of success at a speed dating event by pretending to be a stewardess instead of a corporate lawyer. So I read on to find out whether Gold’s experience was a little closer to the world I know. It wasn’t. Then men loved her as a florist, not so much as a brilliant lawyer. At the end of the article, she writes:
Everything my mother has ever told me about men is true. They didn’t care that the florist couldn’t recognise a chair. They liked it. The feminist revolution didn’t pierce their hearts; it only made it into human resources. If you want to be loved, just scoop out your brain and act like a child. After 40 years of feminism we shouldn’t really burn our bras. We should burn our men. Love may be dissembled but statistics never lie. Reader, let me tell you: men want me - and you - to be lobotomised.
I can tell you one thing, I’ll never attend a speed dating event. It seems like all those men are complete and utter losers. They couldn’t be more different from the guys I know.
The guys I know like music, art, fine wine, literature, politics and science fiction — and they love that I do too. I make no bones about the fact that I’m a feminist, work in computers, speak Klingon and have an obsession with politics. Men find all of this fascinating.
Why was Ms. Gold’s experience was so different from mine? I boil it down to two major points:
- When she went to the speed dating event and pretended to be a lawyer, she was very confrontational, rude and condescending about her intellect. Nobody of either sex likes to be talked down to. Maybe that’s why no one liked her. In my experience, it’s best to neither hide your light under a bush nor shove it down people’s throats.
- I’m approachable and I like geeky guys.
Approachability is key here. If you give the impression that you’re not really interested in another person for who he is, then why would you expect him to return the favor? I’ve found that if I’m genuinely enjoying a conversation and I let that enjoyment show, men are excited by my intellect. By contrast, she came across as downright off-putting.
Now, it’s true that I’m not the most popular with some sectors of the male populace. But those are the guys who have no intellect to match mine. Since I’m primarily attracted to geeks, that’s not really a problem for me.
Maybe in addition to her rudeness, Ms. Gold is trying to date the wrong kinds of guys. She should swing by her local comic book store, “Web 2.0″ conference, Magic: The Gathering tournament or Star Trek convention. There, she’d meet men who would cherish her intellect for the rest of her life, if she so chose.
I hate it that the Tanya Golds of this world choose to act like assholes at speed-dating events and then complain that there are no good men. Ms. Gold comes off sounding so bitter and depressed about men. With an attitude like that, she probably will never find one she likes. But there are plenty of amazing guys out there who respond to enthusiasm and intelligence in a woman.
If anyone wants to meet one, I know dozens of them.
I would imagine that at a speed dating event, where you have only a few minutes to talk to someone, and it is a very high-pressure, fast-paced event, that approachability would probably be the single most important thing, personality-wise that would attract someone. Miranda would probably have been the character Sex and the City that I would most have enjoyed having dinner with, but always the seemed to be the least approachable character.
I think you are only looking at one-half of the equation. What type of guys are going to speed dating events? Are they guys with high-self esteem, or middle- to low-self esteem? Most likely, the latter - and these are not guys that are looking for equal or superior intellect, but someone to always appear superior, and get to lecture.
But, I think you are right - in the speed dating scene (well, at least on TV), you have very few minutes to get across who you are. She probably went high-brow and condescending as the attorney, and all fuzzy and wuvvy as the florist.
I agree with Mz. Gold on one point. I do want her to be lobotomized, but it haas nothing to do with her being a woman. She doesn’t get it. Men that can’t handle brains, a sense of humor, or a quirky set of interests (Klingon is a fine example!) are the ones with the problem - not those women. NY is full of both types of women she tries to portray, but it’s such a large city that there are plenty of cool, smart, fun, and yes, sexy - women that we can avoid the rest. I’m lucky…I married one of ‘em