On Relationships With Big Age Differences

Commenter Hannah, who is 19 and contemplating marriage to her 30 year-old boyfriend got me thinking a lot about age differences in relationships. It’s something I hadn’t really considered in a while, since Andy is almost precisely six months my senior.

Now, Andy and I are admittedly a little young to be in a committed relationship, but at least we’re going through the same life experiences at the same time. I can’t imagine being involved with someone so much older than me. That isn’t to say that I frown upon all relationships that have a substantial age difference. It’s just that I recognize their inherent challenges.

I guess the bottom line is that marriages succeed when both partners know exactly what they’re getting and exactly what the other person expects from the marriage. That’s doubly true in relationships with any additional obstacles: extreme youth at marriage, age differences, interracial marriages, military deployments, etc.

Keep An Eye Out for Young Stephanie Haranczyk

Update: Friends of Stephanie’s have posted that she is safe, well and now in touch with her family.

[Edited as per Charley Daniels' example.]

Stephanie, if you’re reading this, please get in touch with your parents. Regardless of what has happened, they love you and are worried about you. They want to know that you are safe.

Via Maryamie.

Babies Babies Babies, What is WRONG With Me?

I’m generally great with kids. They find my ability to make endless silly faces and do voices highly amusing. But when I play with them, I have the distinct pleasure of giving them back to their parents and getting the hell out of Dodge rather rapidly if I so choose. I wouldn’t have that option with my own kids, which is what makes this all the more disturbing.

Five years ago, I would look at a baby, smile and think, “Aww…but NEVER!” Now, I look at them with something more like wistfulness. I find myself thinking, “one of these days…”

And then I stop myself and think, “Teresa, you’re twenty-three. Chill!”

Am I growing a maternal instinct? Whatever happened to my adolescent ambition to be a forty-something rock star with the body of a twenty year-old, piles of money, no responsibilities and a crowd of groupies to have fun with? I mean, other than falling in love and deciding that the music industry is sleazy. Am I already outgrowing my immaturity and thinking about parenthood? What the HELL is wrong with me?

Whatever happens, I am waiting at least 10 more years to have kids. I am WAY too selfish to raise a child anytime soon. I can still barely take care of myself, let alone a baby. Can somebody turn this biological clock thing off until I’m actually ready for children? It’s just confusing the shit out of me!

On Being 22

One of my favorite poems is John Milton’s Sonnet VII. By his 24th birthday, many of his contemporaries had proven themselves, but Milton felt that he had yet to produce anything even remotely worthy of the genius he knew he possessed. In the sonnet, he looks back on his young life and wonders where the fulfillment of his promise is, concluding that he can only put his fate in the hands of God.

Sometimes I feel a bit like Milton must have when he wrote this. I have no idea whether I am nearly so talented as he was - but like him, I have been told my whole life that I have promise. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever fulfill it.

There are infinite ways of passing the time we are given. Some are mean and some are high. All are filled with struggle and their own kinds of pain. In the end - no matter what we have accomplished - I’m sure we are all left with the feeling that if we had just been better, focused more, worked harder, we could have achieved so much more.

Perhaps that’s my greatest challenge: to be satisfied with what I can do, instead of trying to live up to whatever expectations others have for me. I must learn to listen to the voice of God inside me and live up to God’s expectations, rather than struggle to do what I think others want from me.

But although God’s will is powerful, God has also given me a voice of my own. And this is perhaps the most challenging voice to hear. Amidst the din we are so accustomed to, listening to the authentic self is the hardest thing of all.

What do I know? And what do I want? I know that life is difficult, and that I am prepared for struggle and sacrifice. But what I want above all is to be happy. I want - despite the turmoil and challenges - to have a corner of the universe in which I can simply be myself and be loved for it.

Self-perception and Success

Both of my parents have an intense work ethic, which I seem to have inherited. I was so determined to get into a good college that in high school, I hooked my GPA directly to my self-esteem and worked like a dog. I’d get to school at 5:30 in the morning and I wouldn’t leave until 7:00 many nights. With choir, musicals, and all the AP classes I took - I didn’t really have much of a life outside of textbooks and rehearsals.

Then in college I gave myself a bit of a break. Yes, I’d still beat myself up if I missed class or turned in a sloppy assignment, but I figured that I’d worked hard in high school to enjoy a good college. So I did. And now I’m out in the working world and I feel like I’ve got to regain all the self-discipline I had in high school but lost in college.

And of course, I never give myself enough credit. Because I’m pretty sure I’m doing fine on most counts. But there’s something about making sure I’ve clocked that 40th (or 50th) hour each week that reminds me of the days when I would set up algebra equations to calculate the score I’d have to get on my final exam to keep my “A” in the class.

And until I manage to take over my car insurance payments from my dad and my cell phone bills from my mom, I won’t feel like a self-supporting adult. Even if I am paying my own rent, health insurance, internet and utilities and putting food in the fridge. I know this is a transitional period and it takes a while after college for a person to function independently - but it feels like I’m waiting interminably to get my life off the ground.

By the way, Verizon sucks! When my term of service is up, I’m switching to Comcast.